There have been many “happy christmas”, “season’s greetings”, “merry christmas”, and “blessed yule” swirling about lately, and it has actually gotten to me. I’m not depressed as such, but I am feeling rather twitchy.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. It’s the the first time since August of this year. I got to thinking of how I was damn lucky that I had the strength to call for an ambulance to get me to hospital – where I promptly fell unconscious and was in ICU for over a week.
I live alone, and generally I don’t mind being alone — solitary time can be good and I generally enjoy it. But being alone terrifies me now. My two cats do not have the ability to take care of me. I don’t have a partner, I don’t have kids, I don’t live with my parents or anywhere near them. I am terrified each and every single night that I will not wake up in the morning.
During this festive season this has all come roaring back for me – how alone I truly am, how when I go home at night there’s nothing except for the two cats and my tenacious grasp on living. But each time I get sick it’s that much harder to recover. Before the surgery two years ago I tended to bounce back quite easily after surgeries… but the one two years ago wiped me out, and I was in ICU for 5 days after falling unconscious and my blood pressure plunged to dangerous levels … just a few scant hours after being moved from Post-Op to the ward.
The surgery 2 years ago was so bad that it was highly recommended that I not even contemplate having kids — the strain of a pregnancy and the birth could very well kill me.
So during this Festive period I get quite sad, because of all that I will never have .. I will never have kids, grandkids, and I have no partner. So if you don’t get a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays from me, it isn’t because I don’t care .. it’s cos deep down I’m shutting down.