Martin Bashir & Princess Diana

One would have to be living under a rock to miss what has been going on with regards to how Martin Bashir was able to convince Diana Spencer, aka Princess Diana, to do a Panorama interview back in 1995. Did he dupe the Princess, showing her false documents to convince her to do the interview? You know what, I really don’t care. And why is that?

  1. The interview was in 1995 – rather infamous really, in which with heavily kohled eyes, stared into the camera like Bambi and declared that there were 3 people in her marriage. The interview was 26 fucking years ago.
  2. If there were issues with regards to how he convinced her to do the interview, why was this not looked into 25yrs ago? Actually there was a pseudo-investigation and Mr Bashir was found innocent by an internal BBC review. IF .. and I mean IF the interested parties thought the investigation wasn’t good enough – again, why the f&ck didn’t they do anything 25yrs ago.
  3. To be honest there are greater things the police should be investigating. Earl Spencer, Diana’s brother, has contacted The Met asking for them to investigate. The police could spend resources looking into something that happened over 25yrs ago, which wasn’t actually criminal, or focus on issues such as domestic violence, murder, rape, child endangerment .. you know, real crimes?
  4. In many criminal cases there is a statute of limitation – why does a television interview in which a not very bright woman desperate to portray herself as wholly innocent (both she & Charles used the media in their War of the Wales .. she wasn’t completely the innocent) is not subject to the same requirements as a criminal case?
  5. Now Prince William (and probably Harry as well) are suggesting the Martin Bashir interview contributed towards their mother’s death. I’m sorry, but now .. she was hounded by the media, but this was mostly due to her courting the media in the first place and then she lost control of the media situation.
  6. I firmly believe that the Tory Government is desperate to latch onto anything to get the public notice turned away from their cronyism, ineptitude with the covid pandemic and the upcoming chat that Dominic Cummings is to have later this week with a couple parliamentary committees. And let’s face it, the Tories would love to find any excuse to completely neuter the BBC.

This is a 25yr old issue. It does not merit this much scrutiny & attention. Martin Bashir may well have been shady in forging documents to convince Diana to do the interview. But nothing was illegal. He didn’t blackmail her into the interview, he didn’t threaten her children, he didn’t threaten any physical harm. What did happen is a deeply unhappy woman was tricked, but she still got her story out to the greater public.

Life During the past 18 Months

I haven’t updated in quite a while. Not that I have dropped off the earth or I have I led such unassuming life. Just never got around to updating, that’s all.

What has been happening?

  • Finished chemotherapy in early February 2019
  • I have been getting abdominal CT Scans every 6 months since, plus blood work, to ensure there has been no return of the cancer
  • In September 2019 an ultrasound at UCLH detected that my ureters are not behaving properly – they aren’t draining very well (this is due to a reimplantation of the ureters as the tumour had invaded my neo-bladder and Mr Wood had to construct a new neo-bladder, necessitating re-implanting my ureters)
  • Because of the ultrasound in Sept’19 I had something called a Mag-3 Reno-Gram – it was done in the nuclear medicine department – where patients normally go for radiotherapy for their cancers. The reno-gram showed that the ureters are working properly, just slowly, and that everything that should be naturally draining is draining. The only advice I got was to keep drinking my usual fluid intake, but to do it slowly so I don’t overwhelm the kidneys.
  • Had a holiday in Devon in Sept’19 & Prague Dec’19
  • The joys are covid are making it impossible to lead relatively normal lives, but as my job does not require my physical presence I can work from home – so I’m relatively lucky that way.
  • For the past 3 months or so the head pain I have been feeling has been getting worse. I am taking Tylenol 3 and it is only just taking the edge off. I have asked for stronger meds, but in the UK Tylenol ( paracetamol) is considered a strong enough painkiller. I want Percocets but the GP looks at me as if I’m asking for heroin.
  • GP Surgery finally agreed to send me for a head CT – awaiting the results.
  • Had an ultrasound at UCLH and it detected some bladder stones, so I had a CT scan last week to determine how many and how big. Depending on the results of the scan I may have to go back in for stone removal – JOY
  • Still at my same company since May 2018 – this is the longest I’ve been with a company since migrating to the UK. There are some pressures which don’t delight me, but no job is perfect, but for the most part I feel challenged and comfortable with the level of responsibility.
  • Still married 🙂 Just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary with the husband for 5yrs now & the cat 5.5yrs. Last year we went to Hawksmoor Guildhall for our anniversary meal but with covid couldn’t risk it so we went to a lovely Belgian Bistro in Portsmouth.
  • Have had some outings with the “ladies” – British Museum, Korean Barbeque in Fitzrovia, and sharing the delights of fruitcake.

I am on a staycation at the moment so I am hoping I can post a bit more this week and not leave it for 18 months.

It’s Been a Year

So I just noticed that I haven’t blogged in a year. I knew it was rare, but I didn’t quite realise it was a full year.

Anywho, what was 2018 like for me?

  • Left my role with the French company in Canary Wharf – after the year-end and the shady accounting, I was not prepared to risk my professional license or reputation working for them for much longer. So I got quite busy with my job seeking.
  • Found a new role, which I started in late April, with a Japanese company, located much closer to home. So my train commute instead of being nearly 2hrs in either direction is now 30 minutes – so more time with the husband & cat. And I get the same salary, but more benefits, so win-win.
  • Husband & I went on a 4 day holiday to Florence. Both of us enjoy watching artsy documentaries and I saw a great deal on TripAdvisor, so took it. The city is stunning, highly recommend. We stayed in a lovely boutique hotel which had just converted over 3 months before our stay. It was a bit of a gamble, but the hotel was in the perfect location for us – within 1km of all the major sites, so walkable but far enough away that the lazy American tourists weren’t near us. I got the deal for a total of £600 for the pair of us .. sadly the hotel now charges over £150/day.
  • The fistula I was complaining about was checked – I had an MRI in early June at UCLH.
  • Got a frantic phone call from my Urology Team. Seems I had a 9.5cm growth on my right ovary and I was referred to the MacMillan Cancer Centre hospital, which is tied in with UCLH. I had the lovely Ms McDonald as my gyne-oncologist who did the surgery. Mr Wood, my urologist, was also involve as the tumour/growth appeared to be pushing my abdominal organs to the left (ergo the pain I was constantly in .. even Tylenol 3s weren’t taking the edge off). So there was a chance that my Mitrofanoff would be changed to an Illeal Conduit.
  • Met with Ms McDonald on Sept 4th (day before my Canadian hols) and within a month I had my surgery. The tumour had grown to 10cm, but thankfully it was contained within the abdomen (it hasn’t spread to the outer walls). Mr Wood had to take out the natural portion of my bladder from my neo-bladder, and re-implant my ureters. Recovery was going at a decent pace. As per my usual, I kept spiking temperatures and I ended up getting a PICC line.
  • I had daily blood draws. I don’t remember the name of the phlebotomist but I called him “My Vampire”. Every morning around 06:30 he’d show up and take 2 vials. For 2 weeks without any problem he was able to get bloods. No one has ever been able to do that.
  • I had a great Physiotherapy Nurse, Beatrice, who was so super supportive. The nursing staff at UCLH Westmoreland were absolutely lovely.
  • I have been getting periodic phone calls from the Urology Nurse Specialists & Mr Wood’s nurse, to check up on me.
  • Sadly, after being discharged I got sick again and was admitted to Southampton General Hospital with uro-sepsis. The care was rather lacklustre, from the doctors. The nurses were quite good…. but the doctors were rather lacking in initiative. For 5 days I was asking them to check in with UCLH with regards to the suggested after-care. It was only on my discharge day that they bothered trying to reach UCLH. F*cking lazy twats.
  • I have had 2 courses of chemo at Southampton – UCLH gave them explicit instruction on how I was to be treated, so that care plan is being followed.
  • Work has been absolutely lovely. Here in the UK if you are off sick you can qualify for SSP (Statutory Sick Pay) which is a measly £90 a week .. no one can live off of that. I am getting my full pay, which is highly unusual here and it’s a godsend for us. I am more than grateful that management has been so supportive.
  • The work I do at my new job is interesting – they are converting the entire organisation’s accounting system across 20+ countries, so my role is to document & produce standardised procedures for reconciliations. The documentation is done, but it’s not just about writing up what HQ does but also looking for efficiencies & ensure the procedures/processes are clear enough for even non-qualified accountants. So lots of travel to come.
  • Once the initial phase of my role is complete then I’ll be turning to monitoring the reconciliation process across the organisation; so I’ll be straddling between 2 Finance Teams – Central Finance (Consolidations) & Internal Audit. It will be interesting, once I hit this second phase. In the meanwhile, whilst off on sick leave I have been helping out with some VAT reconciliation issues. So this is saving me from daytime television.

During this prior year, 2018, I have had to push back on my mother’s deep love of Catholicism. I love my mother, but the constant talk of how Jesus & the Virgin Mary are going to heal me if I only went to church is complete shite. It came to a head nearly a month ago, when she wanted me to ring one of her friends from her Rosary Circle as she claimed she could help me. How the fuck can she help me over the phone from Toronto? I actually asked my mother that .. I was fed up. Up to this point I have been patient and kept my mouth shut, but the constant talk about Jesus has gotten to me. There is no fucking way that an invisible tyrannical shite deity like the Judeo-Christian one is going to help me. I was born with a birth defect, and according to medical research this defect can be detected in-utero .. so I have had this since before I was born. Are you telling me that a loving god would inflict this on a child? If so, then that’s not a god I want in my life.

To compound my issues with my mother, I saw her Will when I was visiting in September. Because my brother took over the land in Lithuania that belonged to our father, it was agreed that I would inherit 75% of my mother’s estate (I can’t find my father’s will, so I’m not sure what it says exactly, mom can’t seem to find it). What has she done? First, she completely misspelled my name on the Will (she whined that she doesn’t know how to spell my name .. nice, my own mother doesn’t know how to spell the name she gave me) and she reduced it down to 60% claiming that I’m not around to help her. So my helping to increase her CPP payments, reduce her Capital Gains Tax when she sold the cottage, doing her taxes for 15 years was worth shit I guess. Once I get through this chemo I’ll confront her again and get her to right her wrong.

I have ranted before on this, but the Toronto Lithuanian Community were quite discriminatory towards my birth defect. When I was young my mother tried to get me into Gintaras, a folk dance troupe in Toronto. Mrs Karasiejus told my mother point blank that she didn’t want my “disease” to infect the other dancers.  And there have been other instances throughout my childhood. The only peeps within the community as “elders” who did not treat me like shite were the nuns who ran the daycare centre I went to as a child. And then there is that wonder twat, who conveniently took a goodly portion of my items (which I was donating to her ridiculous rummage sale at Prisikelimo Church) and then promptly blocked me on Facebook. Nice. What does this teach me about the Toronto Lithuanian Community? For the most part, hypocrites.


Urethral Fistula

I have a Urethral Fistula – or to put it more plainly, there’s a hole from my urethra to my vaginal channel which is leaking urine into my uterus and channel. I am not happy.

I have been complaining to my local GP Surgery for ages now, that something is funky with my body and I wanted an investigation. I was told it’s probably nothing to worry about, it’s more than likely that it’s just something to do with my being pre-menopausal.

I was sent an appointment letter to see some gynecologist at Princess Anne’s Hospital in Southampton – after seeing that hospital when a friend was in I am glad I didn’t end up going – the place is filthy. I didn’t go to this appointment as I was holed up at UCLH Westmoreland recovering from a small procedure to clean out my bladder – as I was weeing blood clots (and it was something Southampton General Hospital was too incompetent to deal with). I was chided by the Gynecologist’s secretary for not even contacting them (I’m sorry, you stupid bint, I’m not about to whip out my mobile whilst being rolled into theatre). Then my ever so lovely (note the sarcasm) GP chided me for not attending the appointment.

It took another 6 months of trying to convince the twats at the GP surgery to refer me to a gynecologist. It came to a head when I asked in November how I can go about self-referring myself. They took a swab and told me the results were that I had a bacterial infection which is dangerous for pregnant ladies, but I shouldn’t worry about it — WHAT?? Oh a pregnant woman’s health is more important than someone else’s? how is it that the bacteria is dangerous to a breeder, but not to me???

So I finally got an appointment and it was this past Monday. Even the GP (junior GP, Dr Lee) was ridiculous enough to tell the gynecologist that I just needed a pap smear. The fucktard didn’t even listen, obviously. Thankfully I was the last patient of the day so the gynecologist did a more thorough exam and the result is that I have a fistula.

I had surgery 10yrs ago in which I had a new neo-bladder construction, a mitrofanoff stoma installed, and most importantly – MY URETHRA WAS SEALED OFF. I as was to never leak again from my lower extremities.

How this has happened I don’t know. I have my suspicions. I suspect that SUHT in their infinite wisdom used a guide wire too often, getting the foley catheter in .. I kept telling them that they are poking my bladder wall and in particular the base of my urethra .. it has been poked too often I believe, and that more than likely caused the hole in the urethra.

I have said this before and I will say it again – I DO NOT TRUST THE NHS.

More Tales from Exstrophy



I had a Canuck Parent, Johnny, who has a wee son with Exstrophy comment on a previous post and I thought I’d follow up on some of the trials & tribulations he & his son may be going through at the moment and what could be some of the challenges & joys later on in life as an Exstrophy Patient.

I am originally from Canada, and I was born in the 1970s with my magnificently deficient urinary tract, back in the days when parents were not given mental/psychological support and both parents & children were expected to just get on with things. Thankfully things are better.

So to the parent who commented, there are some resources, which I know that most pediatric units still do not share readily with parents. If you are in Southern Ontario/Toronto there is the Hospital for Sick Children – that’s where I had my first 3 surgeries. My first Urologist was a Dr Robert Jeffs – a pioneer in pediatric urological repair, who went on to found & run the Pediatric Urology Unit at John Hopkins and was the mentor for Dr Gearhart (who all the American parents rave about). Sick Kids has a Social Worker Team who provide support to the parents and kids, helping them navigate some of the more obscure government grants available, getting us in touch with suppliers and finding any psychological support required. So if you are in the Southern Ontario region, try giving Sick Kids a ring.

So what are some of the challenges with Exstrophy? I cannot really comment on the male experience, except for what I have heard during Patient Conferences. Females tend to have it a little easier, as our reproductive organs are not enmeshed with our urinary tract like they are for males (urethra is not only for urine, but also ejaculation, it’s all so interconnected for males). I’ve made young men who suffer intense pain when they get erect, or when they do get erect their penises curve in a less than normal fashion. There are surgeries which can repair this or at least make it more bearable. And from my understanding (though someone feel free to correct me on this) the penis tends to be a bit shorter than the norm.

For females, because of the initial surgery – Closure – sometimes there’s an incision that goes from the perineum all the way up to the abdomen, bisecting the clitoris and the labia. Because the goal of the initial surgery is to get everything back into the proper position there isn’t really much thought given that the young female patient may want to experience coitus later on in life. So we invariably require some surgery later on in life to help loosen the vaginal opening. And because the way our pelvic bones are positioned, we tend to suffer from vaginal and uterine prolapse, even though we haven’t had children. I’ve had surgery, 10yrs ago at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre, to not only get a mitrofanoff but also to hoist my uterus back up into position – so far so good, everything is staying place.

So the tribulations with Exstrophy, and any other birth defect, centres around body image mostly. Unlike other birth defects – whether it’s a hole in the heart, club foot, etc – because Exstrophy is primarily the urinary tract it’s still part of that social taboo of bodily fluids — that age old “why is your child not potty trained”? “why do you keep peein’g yourself?” “that’s disgusting, ewww” – I’ve heard it all and it does wear you down, especially when you’re a child. It’s one of the last taboos, but thankfully there have been strides in that area – because society in generally has become more tolerant and accepting of differences.

Whilst growing up I hated my body. I hated all the scars. I hated that I had to wear diapers. I hated that I had to know where all the toilets were within a km of wherever I was. I knew the location of every single publicly available toilet near every subway station from home to school, in case I had to nip off quickly to get to a toilet. I hated that my antibiotics constantly gave me the runs, and that they affected my moods – some would make me sleepy, others antsy, some made me hallucinate, and others just made me ache. Even when I lose a lot of weight, because of all the surgeries my abdominal muscles are shot – my abdomen will always stick out, even if I get down to 50kg. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was about 24, which is a long time for any young person before they experience their first relationship. If anything, I learnt how to value my friendships precisely because I was so lonely.

Because of all my surgeries I am not suppose to have kids. Makes dating difficult, as trying to find someone who is okay with their potential life partner not being able to have kids is extremely difficult.

But today, I have a husband, who is incredibly supportive and loves the fact that there will not be any Tiny Beans. He, himself, is healthy with no birth defects and no true health issues.

So to the father who had commented, yes, there are difficult times and there will be some joyful times. Your son will find love and it will be with someone who is incredibly special, supportive and kind. It happens, it just takes a while.

Taxing Employee Discounts (Canada)


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I live in the UK so this doesn’t affect me personally, but as I adore all things tax, this struck me as interesting.

Seems the CRA (Canada Revenue Agency) has issued a new interpretation of the Income Tax Act with regards to employees receiving sales discounts from employers (retail shops, restaurants, etc) and whether or not those discounts should be taxed as part of regular employment income. Up until this point those discounts were not collated, reported and the tax deducted at source. The ITA (Income Tax Act) is rather unwieldy and you need to be a super specialist to interpret it. MP Wayne Easter has stated in the HP post that the CRA should rethink this new interpretation. I’m sorry to disillusion Mr Easter or anyone else – but any challenges to CRA’s interpretation of the ITA has to go through the Tax Court and the Supreme Court of Canada also hears tax cases – when sent up from the Federal Court of Appeal. This is usually why you need either a Tax Lawyer or an accountant (usually one from one of the Big 4) on your side when fighting the CRA.

So, employee discounts. I have experienced these myself, when I was but a baby accountant, learning the tricks of the trade and earning just a bit over minimum wage. I worked for Sears Canada for 3yrs, in their Finance Department. There I did get a 15% discount on any items I purchased in the Sears Canada stores. Whenever I would get the discount I would present my employee card and that would get swiped. This argument that keeping track of which discounts an employee gets is a red herring – most employees  have an employee number which can easily be punched into the POS system at the point of purchase. Run the reports from the POS and viola! you have your listing of the discounts the employees have gotten.

The Canadian Income Tax Act is structured in such a way that ALL employees who gain any form of economic benefit through work must be taxed on that economic benefit (i.e., wages). This also includes any benefits received in kind, such as private dental insurance, payment of any membership dues (CPA-CGA in my case) and whatnot. Banks for ages have been forced to tax their employees on the reduced interest rates they pay on any personal loans or mortgages they may have received as part of their renumeration package with the bank.

Do I think it fair to tax these benefits? Yes. By the very notion of the ITA those discounts are an economic benefit. I know some would argue that in some retail shops the employees are required to wear the shop clothes whilst working. In that case, those costs can be claimed as part of a “uniform” as the terms of employment will specifically state this requirement. And this negates the argument of “what of those retail employees who are forced to purchase the shop’s clothes”.

When I worked for Pfizer we had the benefit of the Employee Store, which opened twice a week. So we were able to get OTC products (such as visine, lubriderm, nicorette, purel etc) cheaply. BUT, Pfizer did not discount these products for us. They sold them to us for exactly the same amount that they would sell to Shopper’s Drugmart, Sears, Rexall etc. So there was no dip in the company’s profits, so to speak, to provide a discount to the employees. It’s just the middle man was cut out of the equation. And this fits in perfectly with the new re-interpretation of the ITA.

Now, thinking from the Treasury/CRA point of view, I have a quick & dirty table explaining the effects of providing an employee discount to staff and the effect it has on tax revenues.


As you can see, when a shop sells to the general public, the tax revenues collected for CRA are significantly higher than providing a discount to the employee under the current system. Yes, in essence, this is a cash grab by CRA to plump up the tax coffers. But if we turn back to what I mentioned earlier – we as employees get taxed on the economic gain from employment (salaries/wages, benefits etc). CRA’s interpretation is looking at what are employee benefits. If you want this changed, the ITA needs to be updated via legislation – meaning Parliament has to make that amendment.

As for those who argue about the free coffee, tea etc they get in the employer’s canteen/kitchenette etc. Under current legislation the employer can only claim half the cost of providing those freebies when filing their corporate tax return. So if they paid $100 for the tea/coffee they can only claim $50 as a business expense – so effectively they need to pay an extra (at 28%) $14.00 to CRA.

So I would suggest before jumping on the bandwagon and flailing the fists that this is unfair, maybe look at the implications on the tax coffers. We all whine that the government keeps cutting benefits & funding, but the coffers need to be more robust so that those cuts don’t happen.


Cystoscopy – Oh What a Treat


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Starting in May of this year I was having issues with wee’ing blood and thinking this is not a good thing (having bright red urine) I rushed myself to Southampton General Hospital A&E Department and what followed has been a comedy of errors. Needless to say, so that I don’t bore anyone, the hospital was shit and sent me home with a proverbial shrug of the shoulders – having done nothing. Saw the consultant later that week, twit did nothing except inject a bladder wash of gentamicin and also basically hope for the best.

A month later, having had this as a recurring issue, and NO ONE in this GODFORSAKEN SHITHOLE helping, I came home from work, with urine so thick & so bloody that I was scared. I thought to myself – I work in London, tomorrow after work I’ll drag my fat ass to UCLH to get taken care of. The next morning, on my way into work, my usual dressing over my stoma got soaked within 15 minutes with blood that I spent the entire train ride sitting in the toilet, clutching toilet roll/tissues/gauze/newspapers/anything to stem the flow of blood. Got myself to the hospital and unlike that sorry excuse for a hospital (Southampton) UCLH was able to fix me up.

Today I went in for a cystoscopy, so that they could get a good look into my bladder – without the camera being obscured by blood clots and blood. Good news, my bladder looks good. And what is more excellent news, my primary urological care is now centred in London.

The Registrar (Senior Resident, for those of us from North America) did the cystoscopy, as she was part of the team that helped me in June. We were chatting whilst she was inserting the scope and I told her my last urologist in Canada was Dr S Herschorn. Her mouth fell open and told me that of course I think Southampton is a pile of shit – when I’ve experienced a world class hospital and one of the top surgeons in the world and to go to the craptastic care of a shitty two bit county hospital (that last bit is me embellishign a bit) of course I’m not impressed with the NHS. She, jokingly I assumed, asked me if Dr Herschorn is looking for any Fellows (Fellowship positions with him are quite rare). She also asked me what winters are like in Toronto.

I also had a Chilean Urologist sitting in on the cystoscopy. I asked him how long is he at UCLH etc. He has also heard of Dr Herschorn.

People sometimes wonder why I am not happy with the NHS. Yes, it’s free at the point of use (for the most part) but when I go from world class care to the shit care in Hampshire – of course I’m jaded.

On a more interesting note – and potential reason why I hate Southampton General – one of the drugs they gave me in ICU in 2014 was gentamicin. Chatting with the anaesthetist today, he told me the only way I could permanently lose my hearing from gent is by them overdosing me. So not only did the dickwads overdose me on morphine, but also on gentamicin, and now I am permanently deaf on my right side.


Life with Bladder Exstrophy


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Whilst going through my Facebook this morning, shortly before breakfast, I noticed that an FB friend had posted a brief synopsis of what her life has been like with a chronic condition, a condition which she has had since birth, a condition same as mine – Bladder Exstrophy. I have never been shy about what my health issues are, but maybe a brief history may help other understand why I get really annoyed with the medical community; and hopefully help other see how I have navigated it all, so that they can take inspiration in how they too can advocate for themselves.

I was born in 1971, the first child of two immigrants from Kaunas Lithuania and Punsk Poland. Both my parents were older, by 1970s standards, and really wanted to start a family as soon as possible. I was the first one, and back in those days there were no ultrasounds that could have prepared them for my birth. I was born at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto Canada, and I was almost immediately whisked off to the Hospital for Sick Children (one of the premier international pediatric hospitals). I was lucky enough that my first urologist was a Dr Robert Jeffs – who went on to found the Pediatric Urology Research Centre at John Hopkins University and the teacher/mentor of the current head – Dr Gearhart (who many Bladder Exstrophy parents sing the praises of). I had my first surgery at 2 weeks old – back in those days the initial surgery (called “closure” wasn’t done until the child was 4/5yrs old as a newborn can only really lose about 2tsp of blood before needing a transfusion). So for the first 3 months of my life I was in an incubator, recovering from my first of many surgeries.

To backtrack, what is Bladder Exstrophy? I was born what is known as Classic Bladder Exstrophy – what most surgeons will find in their text books whilst in medical school. We are rarity, most urologists will go their entire careers never having met one of us; depending on which statistic you want to believe, we are either 1:70,000 or 1:30,000, either way we are extremely rare. I was born with a partial opening of my pelvic floor, my bladder inside out and practically a non-existent urethral sphincter (the human body has over 50 sphincters). My first surgery, I have an incision that goes from my anus all the way up to my lower abdomen.

Growing up I was incontinent. I had no psychological support or a social worker to help me understand why I wasn’t normal. All I knew was that I was treated like shit by school mates, because I smelled, I pee’d my pants, I wore diapers. The worst culprits were actually the Lithuanian Community in Toronto, which is why to this day I don’t associate with the Lithuanian Community in Toronto – I’ve found more support from my Canadian friends than the shits that make up my parents’ cultural community. Teachers were no better, I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet in the middle of class to change my diaper. My coming up several times completely drenched forced my father to take time off work to lay into the school Principal for affecting my health – it took the threat of a lawsuit for the teachers to actually allow me to use the toilet when I needed. This was elementary school – imagine, an 8yr old feeling completely isolated, treated like a pariah by classmates, her cultural community and teachers who refused to believe the letters sent by the Department of Urology from my hospital. I was lonely. I hated myself and hated my body.

What is it like growing up with a chronic condition? I think it depends on the condition itself – because mine is urinary based, there is the standard “oh she’s just lazy, her parents were too lazy to potty train her”.  There is more respect and support for a child with Type 1 Diabetes or a Heart Murmur than a child with a urinary issue – it’s that whole societal attitude that anything to do with the urinary tract is just dirty.

I grew up hating my body, myself. I was molested by one of my father’s cousins. It only stopped when I realised that he was also molesting my siblings and the nuns at my high school, unlike the elementary school, were sincere with saying that we could come to them if there were any issues at home. Those nuns – the Sisters of St Joseph – saved me. They moved to quickly, getting the police involved, the catholic children’s aid society, getting me therapy and yanking my parents in for a conference. It was because of those nuns that I actually started developing a strong sense of self and started advocating for myself.

I have had 10 surgeries so far. I say so far, as I suspect there are many still to come.

What has been the effect on my psyche due to my medical condition? As mentioned, I hated myself. I actually attempted suicide in my teens, the pain was too much. I cannot have children – as I have been warned by multiple surgeons (urologists, uro-gynecologists) that I have a 50/50 chance of surviving a pregnancy. Because of my initial surgery (which included cutting right through my clitoris) and subsequent surgeries I think of my body in a dispassionate fashion, as if it were just a medical specimen.

Effect on my parents? They didn’t have the support they needed either, how does a parent deal with a chronically ill child? They have no one to talk to about it. My paternal grandmother, when she was alive, was a nurse in Australia and she quizzed every possible surgeon about my condition. My parents atleast could talk to her, support each other. My father was so relieved when I told him that I am not having children, as it turns out he was terrified that I may try to get pregnant. My mother has a will of iron and she has always pushed her way into Recovery Rooms, even when family members are not generally allowed. But she too has been influenced by society, thinking while I was growing up that I just needed to make an effort – she wasn’t mean-spirited, she just was trying to do the best for me.

As for the Lithuanian Community in Toronto – I have the most vitrol for it. The treatment I got in Lithuanian daycare, Lithuanian school was truly vile. No one wanted to associate with me, because their stupid parents thought I had a disease, not a physical malformation of my urinary tract. So their precious dumplings were told that they would catch what I have. I was alone for most of Lithuanian School and looking back I’m okay with that, they never would have been decent friends anyways. It was so bad that I remember the essay we were asked to write in our final year of Lithuanian School, of what we learnt about during our 10 years; I wrote that I learnt about discrimination, hatred, prejudice, and how vile people can be. The teachers were shocked, but I stand by my essay at the time. But I am truly thankful and grateful for my non-Lithuanian friends, they have been my rock.

So where am I right now in my journey? I have a husband – which means I have found someone who is willing to take part in my journey. So I have that home support that I have always craved. Because I have been so used to being alone, it is still difficult trying to share as for most of my life I have found it easier to just hide my pain. I’m learning, learning that it’s okay to ask for help, but it’s a process that will take time. In terms of my heath – it is declining.

I have had sepsis twice – someone who uses a catheter has a higher chance of developing sepsis. Because of all the infections I’ve had most antibiotics don’t work on me, in most cases I need to just ride out the pain and pray that my body can yet again deal with the infection on its own. I cannot catheterise anymore, I have an indwelling catheter that needs to be changed every 8 weeks. Everywhere I go I need to think of where all the toilets are, how easy is it to get to them, do I have enough supplies with me in case I have an accident. I need to watch out for potential bladder stones, and because I have an augmented bladder I have a higher chance of bladder cancer.

So that’s my life. At least I have a husband and an insane cat in my life 😊

So to those who have gotten to know me in the UK – when I mention that I would prefer to see a specialist and not some ridiculous GP or a community nurse, it’s usually because they do not have the training to deal with patients with complex medical histories. 🙂

How I miss my Ibuprofen


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I’m sure, anyone who has read my musings, that I am not overly impressed with how pharmaceuticals are dispensed in the UK. Today was no exception, as I had to get a script for Naproxen – which for the average Canadian is known as Aleve – which is available OTC throughout most of Canada.

Some delights:

Pepto Bismol – fully accessible on the shelves in most pharmacies, supermarkets and corner shops in Canada. In the UK, you need to request it from the pharmacy staff – don’t need a prescription, but it is behind the desk and they usually need a chat with you before they sell it to you.

Robaxacet – not available at all in the UK

Melatonin – can get 5mg tablets in most healthfood shops in Canada. In the UK you need to order online because none of the shops carry it.

OTC pain meds – ibuprofen, aspirin, acetominophen (known as paracetamol in the UK) you can get as little as 8 tablets to bottles of 100-200 at a time, readily available off the shelf in most shops in Canada. In the UK, packets of 8-16 usually though can request packets of 32 or 48, can only get 2 packets at a time .. so idiots don’t overdose themselves (except they can just wander over to another shop and get the exact same meds)

Oxycontin – In Ontario they are a controlled substance in that when your doctor writes out a script that script gets registered with the Ministry of Health and you need to show ID to the pharmacist, which then gets logged .. stops people from doctor-hopping and getting multiple scripts for the same drug. In the UK – they look at you as if you’re requested heroin. In the hospital if you are in incredible pain they first offer you bog-standard tylenol – 325mg.

Allegra (antihistimine) – available OTC in Canada. In the UK need a prescription – known as fexofenadene. Most antihistimines available on the shelves in the UK are pretty weak.

Flonase – nasal spray, prescription in Canada, great for dealing with the trials of post-nasal drip. Doesn’t exist in the UK.

That’s just a list of medical shits and how you can access them – Canada vs UK. There’s more joy in that there are a number of grocery products which I wish to high heaven existed here in the UK:

  1. Kraft Dinner (mac & cheese) – available as an import for the glorious price of £4.59 for a small box – usually about $1 in Canada. Can order online through Amazon UK, but a multipack (3 boxes) is over £12
  2. Skinny Cow – ice cream bars & cones, low fat, I liked the chocolate mint I could get at my local Loblaws in Toronto. Can’t get it or any reasonable facsimile of it. Weight Watchers does do frozen desserts, but those are like gold dust in Hampshire trying to find them in Tesco/ASDA/Sainsbury’s
  3. Crystal Lite – powdered drink crystals – low calorie, very prevalent in North America. There is squash here in the UK, which doesn’t exist in Canada. So there is some trade-off there.
  4. Big bags of Pierogies. No Frills & Loblaws and even Metro would carry big 2kg bags of them. Can get them here, but Sainsbury’s has them in tiny 125g pots for reheating for office lunches or you need to go to an Eastern European deli for them.
  5. I have yet to find any havarti cheese since coming to the UK.
  6. Oh Henry, Sweet Marie, Glossettes, Cadbury Thins (I know it’s a British company, but these seem pretty unique to Canada .. 100 calories of cadbury chocolately goodness)
  7. Wendy’s & Tim Horton’s (I know there’s a mythical Timmies somewhere in London .. but out here in the stix nadah)
  8. scent-free feminine hygiene products – I know they exist in the UK, I’ve seen them, but they are rare like the mythical dodo, there are sightings then whoosh! gone. A lot of things are scented here in the UK.
  9. Swiss Chalet sauce
  10. proper bagels .. the shit you can find here in the UK supermarkets is just that, shit. I have yet to find a good poppyseed bagel.


Don’t get me wrong, there are certain delights which are unique to the UK which I quite like – but it’s the nanny state thing which drives me nuts the most.

NHS is Sh*te when it comes to Specialist Care


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As some have come to realise, from reading my blog, I have issues with my urinary tract. Specifically, I was born with a condition called Bladder Exstrophy. To help with trying to normalise my life the various surgeons over the years have done surgeries – and these surgeries will continue until the day I die – I am okay with this, as this is *MY* normal. I also have a mitrofanoff stoma, which means I don’t have a urethra anymore (it’s been closed off) and I am completely dependant on being to catheterise through my stoma into my neo-bladder (augmented with intestinal tissue as the blasted thing never grew).

So needless to day, I have bladder issues.

Today I went in to get two things accomplished – (1) a cystoscopy & (2) to get my foley changed; the latter of the two was accomplished. Though, the Sister did send off the old catheter for testing as there was some serious calcification of the catheter and something that looks like some bladder tissue (it hurt when the foley was withdrawn, it normally just tickles).

I was asked 2 questions by the Sister (Senior Nurse): (1) since Southampton General Hospital are experimenting with gentamicin bladder washes would I consider it, and (2) have I ever tried taking d-mannose (it’s a probiotic which is good at adhering to UTI bacteria and flushing them out of the system). I nearly laughed, though I know she was serious — the nursing staff are desperate to learn more and I am one of the few patients who is willing to chat about bladder issues.

The reason(s) why I nearly laughed:

(1) gentamicin bladder washes have been advocated for at least 2 decades in North America — why the hell isn’t the NHS clued up on this? My first inkling of this sad lack of knowledge was when I asked for a script for gentamicin 4yrs ago and the GP and surgeon looked at me as if I were completely nuts asking for IV medication. I would expect the GP to be confused, but a Urologist who claims to be a bladder reconstruction specialist not being aware of this was mind-boggling for me. I have been doing these bladder washes for 20yrs now.

(2) d-mannose has also been advocated for a long time in North America – I’ve been taking it for about 10yrs now.

I wouldn’t expect a urologist who specialises in prostates, testicles and all things “male” to be aware of this, but a specialist who knows that people who catheterise on a regular basis are highly prone to urinary tract infections, cystitis, and kidney infections? How the fuck can they not be aware? Do they not read the various medical journals? One of the best research & facilities in the world for Bladder Health is John Hopkins in Baltimore — do none of these UK urologists take the time to learn what is going on outside of the UK? Or are they so arrogant in their belief that they are the best they cannot be bothered?

This just continues to reiterate how shit the NHS can be when in comparison to other countries. Several things need to happen – surgeons need to be knocked off their pedestals … they are not gods/demi-gods, they are highly skilled professionals and well trained, but they are human and they NEED to keep themselves abreast of all medical research & developments. GPs need to learn their place – they are there to handle basic issues such as sore knees, handing out scripts, doing physicals and helping with general health maintenance — again, they are not gods, they need to listen to patients. It’s the god-complex here in the UK which is driving me nuts .. and I believe the nurses at SUHT like me loads because I do question the surgeons (called Consultants in the UK) and refuse to sign anything until I am fully informed.

So my recommendation? Inform yourselves, because the surgeons at SUHT are too full of themselves to actually educate themselves.